Destroying the Cycle of Tearing Yourself Down

Yesterday I went through an “irrational day”. What this looks like for me is a hibernation of introspection. I dove right into the quagmire of human emotion and self doubt, violently tearing apart all of the choices in my career. I held them up to what I perceived as the light of truth, trying to find the next grain of sand to mix into my foundation. All I found was a reflective pool of negativity. Showing only my deepest insecurities, body dysmorphia, and illogical thoughts. This sent up a red flag because this is an abnormal and damaging mindset. This is something that happens to us artistic types and can trap you in a horrible shame spiral.

Here’s how I get out of that crazy nonsense 🙂

Fist thing I did was get sweaty. I hopped onto my bike and rode around for a while, not thinking about anything but the wind on my face and the moon in the sky. When I got back I did a logical diagnostic of my career by going through my acting journal and workshop notes. This allowed me to see what positive things I had done, how I had grown, and what was coming up next to work on. You see, documenting the journey not only creates a career map, but also provides grounding when emotions go haywire.

Next I went through the victories of the past ten days. A victory is not always a booking, actors can have a backwards thought process about this and can be horribly results oriented as a result. We are in this for the long haul my friends, progress looks more like a marathon than a hundred yard dash. My victories for the past ten days are:

1. CD told me I was hilarious and was submitting me to the client for a commercial.
2. Did a Skype audition for a short film.
3. Went in for a lead role on an HBO show with a CD who has called me in before.
4. Went in for a role on a Hulu show with a CD I forged a relationship with at AGR.
5. Did compelling and memorable work in all my auditions.
6. Stared doing preliminary work and research for the workshops I’m doing next month.
7. White Privilege Frankenstein was released, a project I did VO for.
8. Booked another show at the MET Opera.

Always remember that booking something is a result of you putting all of those small seemingly innocuous pieces together into a compelling and marketable whole. The path you travel is the victory, not the end result. Now go grab a brick and smash that negative pile of garbage in the face.

What are your victories from the past ten days? I would love to know!

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Proud of What?!

How many of us can take a step back and truly appreciate the good we have done? In my quest to constantly be moving forward I can lose sight of the journey. When people tell me how proud they are of me and the work that I’m doing, I sometimes want to grab their face and shake the shit out of it. “Proud of what?” my neurotic actor brain says. “Can’t you see this razor rocked mountain I have to climb?” “Or how about this pathway made of explosions and fire!?” my irrational anxiety screams.

The truth is being an actor is hard. We are striving for perfection in an imperfect and ever changing art form. At the same time the business side is filled with it’s own shifting set of rules and standards. Trying to balance all of this with the rest of “normal” life can turn an actor into a raw nerve.

But taking a moment to appreciate the journey will help clear that madness away. Look at all the amazing things you have done. That theatre gig or film shoot is not just a credit on the resume or scene for the reel. That acting class or clown workshop is not just something you have to do. It is tangible proof that you are growing as an artist.

These milestones are a realistic way to check in. Not only will it allow for a very serious look at what new things need to be worked on, but it will show the challenges you overcame. We all walk our own specific path to get to acting town. I had to learn how to be proud of my journey so I could keep walking mine.

Remember, every new project or class brings a new set of obstacles that need to be navigated, but without the lessons learned from the past we would fall flat.

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My time as the Russian Spetsnaz opera man…

My time as the Russian Spetsnaz opera man was interesting.

Not only am I an Actor but I am also an Stunt Man/Stage Combatant.  I was blessed with the opportunity to be one of the ten combat guys for a production of Prince Igor at The Metropolitan Opera last season.  Let me start by saying that working for an institution with as much history as the Met Opera is both an honor and privilege.  Let me continue by saying that anything can happen in live theater.

The audition:

Was a whole mess of fun.  A bunch of us went in and got to roll around and do some intense hand to hand combat work and then went into some intricate spear fighting which was also very cool.

I later found out that our director was very unhappy with audition as he wanted to see us all actually fight each other…like for real…because that’s how they do it in Russia.  Or so he believed.  Which brings me to…

The Director:

The Met frequently brings in renowned directors from all over the world.  Dmitri Tcherniakov is no exception.  In Russia he has received numerous awards and is renowned as an excellent artist, and was welcomed with open arms.  Unfortunately a few unforeseen things happened.  Dmitir’s had a hard time communicating in English, so he was provided with a translator. Also we later found out that in Russia he has as long as a year to rehearse.

This is not the case in American Theater.

It’s a Christmas miracle if you can get as long as 2 1/2 months. (Which we had)

Rehearsal:

First week of rehearsal was a cluster fuck.  This Opera was massive.  Four hundred people massive.  Imagine a man and his translator trying to essentially herd cats into an artistic shape.  Not only that but Dmitri did not give a shit about your artistic ego.  He was of the Russian school of “go do this shit because it makes the show work and do it now”.  This is something that I understood well.  The acting teacher that had the most profound impact on me was from Russia.  Not only that but as a fight guy you have to do it right and do it safe every time or someone will get hurt.  Some took his style as a personal affront, and as a result many small fires needed to be manged.

Now as we moved forward trying to get this beast together, we still did not have any information on what the big fight was supposed to be.  For a month our Fight Director sat in rehearsal clawing at his face trying to figure out what in the hell was going on.  Despite the fun spear fighting in the audition,  we would be doing none of that.  It finally came down that Dmitri wanted us to be Spetsnaz Special Forces, and he wanted us to being doing all this crazy shit while getting drunk and eating things.

If you don’t know what Spetsnaz Special Forces is then here is a ——————————————-> video.

So we went into crash course training with our Fight Director.  I learned things that I have never learned before.  New throws, rolls, fighting technique, and general ass kicking that was then converted into a safe stage version.  We also learned all of their parade katas. Which at first was just a bunch of rolling, punching, and kicking in a seemingly illogical pattern of shittery that eventually made sense.

What it eventually turned into was two guys throwing each other in various ways in the corner.  Two guys moving around doing varies grapples, grabs, and submission holds.  Another just doing the katas and then punched through some wood, a fellow kicking a chicken and getting into fights with people along the way, and another getting rocks broken over his middle.

As for me I was blessed with running around with an opera singer on my shoulders, dodging fights, carrying the big rock that got smashed on the man’s middle, and throwing ladies in the air.  Oh did I mention there were eighty other opera singers on stage with us who never did the same blocking twice, so we had to make sure we didn’t blunder into any of them and die one thousand deaths.

I was also lucky enough to catch the eye of the director.  Dmitri gave me a whole lot of fun acting work to do as well.  I had quite a few moments where I was called upon to be featured amidst the swirling madness.  One of the best things I got to do was run around with a pickle on a giant fork and just be a huge asshole with it.  It got me the nickname “pickle man” for the rest of the show.

The show:

Was fun.  Despite some of the usual live theater problems and a massive language barrier it came together well.  It clocked in at 5hrs (pretty normal for an Opera).  Mercifully all of us Spetsnaz guys got blown up by a mortar shell at the end of Act 2. (That was cool too the ceiling exploded and fell down)  I learned a whole lot from this show.  At times it tested my patience, and the limits of my body some days.  But all and all it was an overwhelming positive experience that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to rant at me in the comments 🙂 ❤

Advice Blogs.

Hello it’s been a while 🙂

Sorry 🙂

Please forgive 🙂

I’ve been busy doing general life shenanigans and being all busy with projects (which I will blog upon)

I want to take a minute to write about something that has been tickling at my brain.

The Actor Advice Post/List of 10 things to do or not do.

Now don’t get me wrong some of this stuff is quality. It really gets to the heart of some really important topics. (I highly recommend reading anything Brette Goldstein posts on Backstage. Not only is she one of the stand up CD’s who genuinely roots for the actors she calls in, she dishes out no nonsense advice. Here is a link to her blog: http://www.brettegoldstein.com/home/blog. Read it up!)

Now onto why it has been on my mind:

I have been reading an overwhelming amount of advice posts that should be called “You are an Actor so you are an asshole.” These overwhelmingly negative posts have been invading my life. I can tell just by the reading the title what the hell is going to happen when I read it, but I read them anyway and go into a rage. It’s one thing to give no nonsense feedback, it’s another thing to smash a persons brain with brick because they are in a completely new situation is very different.

If you want to nail actors to the wall please make sure it is for a constructive teaching purpose. If it’s just to give you a chuckle you need to fucking stop it.

One more thing before I go:

Even though I don’t like most of these posts a lesson can be learned from them.  If you are entering a new situation such as meeting with an Agent/Going to meet a CD/It’s your first big audition or whatever.  Don’t be afraid to ask your peers.  Look I know some people can be dicks, but you will find a person who has been there before and can help you learn what to expect.  If you don’t know anyone I’ll answer your questions.  If I can’t answer them I will find someone who can.  The most important thing you can do in any new situation is to remain calm, breathe, be yourself, and have fun.

Because if your not having fun then why are you here?

Thanks for reading.  Feel free to rant at me in the comments 🙂 ❤

Body Dysmorphia and you.

If you are a performing artist Body Dysmorphia is most likely a thing you live with. 

Now I’m not saying that you cry every time you look in a mirror, but it could be something like wishing you had a smaller bone structure or irrationally damning a clothing store for only catering too runway models or small Asian men.

Personally I have had my own struggles with this. 

At my heaviest I topped out at 400lbs.  I was unhealthy, unhappy, and unmotivated. 

Then I found Acting.

I am no longer 400lbs.

The problem is I will always view myself as an obese person.  It’s strange but the smaller I become the bigger I feel.

This is irrational. 

As long as you are working out, eating right, and are actively improving you are fine. Self improvement is one of the keys to success in our industry. 

Being a continual work in progress is not a negative thing.  In fact being a work in progress is what we as artists must always be.  No matter what point you are in your career actively improving all aspects of yourself can only help move you forward.  

As for the Dysmorphia what helps me knuckle through all of my irrational neurosis is being a work in progress.  I can not control how I look.  That is just a random combination of genetics.  I can control my health, fitness, level of training, etc.

You are fine.  Now go make yourself even better 🙂